Live performance of A Fairy Tale, November 2015
Here is the script for A Fairy Tale, which I wrote and directed in November, 2015. The longer you’ve lived in Sitka, and the more visioning sessions you have attended, the more it will speak to you. But I imagine there are other arty towns with similar experiences.
And here is a link to a recording, by our own local KCAW Raven Radio.
A Fairy Tale
Characters:
SAM, a resident of an island town in southeastern Alaska
DR. SMITH, a consultant
SAM’s wife or husband (SAM and DR. SMITH characters could be male or female)
(Airport noise of jets landing and taking off, flight announcement, etc.)
SAM: Dr. Smith? Hello! I’m Sam. Glad you could make it. Did you have a nice flight?
DR. SMITH: Oh, yes! great flight. . . Who are all these people on the plane with me? They seem like a happy bunch.
SAM: Oh, consultants. Those are all consultants. In hospital management, community development, city planning, garbage disposal, you know. But yeah, we have a lot of consultants coming in now.
DR. SMITH: Oh right, related to your – problem.
SAM: Well actually, they come here to learn from us, instead of coming to help. – and (in a confidential voice) none of them are experts in fairy magic.
DR. SMITH: Well you can’t blame them. Very few of us have what it takes to become a Fairy Magic Consultant.
SAM: Of course! Well, I’ll fill you in on our pedi-bus ride into town. (They go outside)
Ok just hop in on the seat, you pedal, right, like that. (bike chain noises)
DR. SMITH: Thanks – I think I have it – (They pedal)
(panting) . . . . What’s that palace, on the mountainside? The one that looks like a Disney castle?
SAM: Oh, that would be our public library. (seagull noises)
DR. SMITH: And my gosh, you have some kind of docks here! And the tall ships!
SAM: Uh huh – we can dock nine cruise ships at a time. Although now, we use them for the tall ships and cedar canoes the kids build. (sound of sea chanteys)
DR. SMITH: Ok now maybe you had better fill me in, on the nature of your problem, and why you’ve called me.
SAM: Right. So, you know all the community visioning, and nonprofit planning, strategic planning, and master plans that nonprofits and communities write, that end up gathering dust?
DR. SMITH: Yes –
SAM: Well – the Visioning Fairy got mad, and made a whole bunch of them – come true. (ominous music) Let’s get off the bus here.
DR. SMITH: So this must be your downtown! (noise of boots and voices) Uh – what is that large group of young people coming toward us, all wearing Xtra Tuff boots?
SAM: Oh shoot – the Interns – we’d better go down this alley – They’re nice and all, but – there’s just so many of them, and they all want to help! We actually have to lock our doors now, or they get in, and alphabetize your books, or clean the litterbox, or – throw away the trans-fat-containing food in your fridge –
DR. SMITH: Ok, so that’s your problem.
SAM: Actually – I guess I leave my door open. It’s actually kind of nice. Some of them do windows.
DR. SMITH: Well ok. . . What an – interesting – lamp post –
SAM: That’s actually an artist. These piles of free cupcakes, and the people talking to themselves, (sound of person talking to him/herself) are also artist installations.
DR. SMITH: (mouth full of cupcake) Hmph good cupcakes . ..
SAM: And the writers! – so many writers – there’s a novel out every month! and books of personal essays every other day. So the bookstore had to expand to take up the whole side of the street. And on the other side, all these cafes (sound of cafe as they enter) because of the writers taking up space. That was why they had to establish the colony. They have a writers’ colony on Mt. Verstovia. They live on tea, hummus and whiskey, all locally produced, of course. Lowers voice: they may be reproducing. (cafe sounds fade as they leave) (sound of banjo playing old timey)
DR. SMITH: That was one fine cupcake. . . Is that coming from that bar?
SAM: Well it’s kind of a bar, but people are mostly getting high on old timey music and rap. (someone is rapping to the banjo music) The one down the street is a little more hard core – they have pool tables and Sacred Harp on Friday nights.
DR. SMITH: Ok now I get it. With all this arts and culture and multiplying writers, your economy must be terrible.
SAM: – Actually, with the tidal-energy-powered kale greenhouses, and of course the sustainable widget factory, oh and the state Legislature, at the other end of the tunnel at Baranof, the economy is great – (sound of kids chatting)
DR. SMITH: So are the schools the problem? I see an awful lot of kids who aren’t in school.
SAM: Well, they are in school. All they have is arts, culture, math and science, and boatbuilding, English, fishing, hunting, computer science, and – well I guess it’s a lot of stuff! (sound of kids talking in Tlingit and Tagalog) And they are all bilingual. Plus Saxon is trending at the moment. (sound of child reciting Beowulf)
oh and they all go to Yale, and major in Music Performance.
DR. SMITH: So, that must be the problem! How do you get a job with that!
SAM: Well – it turns out that’s what’s in demand in high tech. And the kids built us a tram, and a zipline, too, that’s fun. And everybody lives in tiny houses. They’re so cute.
DR. SMITH: So – what’s the problem?
SAM: That’s the problem. There is no problem!
DR. SMITH Uh –
SAM: We’re so hard up for problems, the elementary school has taken on World Peace! And they are close to solving it! Do you know the last time I smelled cigarette smoke? Or had somebody’s dog poop in my yard, Or – made myself sick eating junk food! The stores stopped carrying it because it wasn’t selling. Or, I just get nostalgic for an ill-tempered, ignorant rant, once in a while.
DR. SMITH: Ok, now I think I get it. So when you are dealing with fairies, the first recourse is usually to your state fairies.
SAM: You mean the Marine Highway System? Which now runs on solar, by the way.
DR. SMITH: No, State Fairies. Like in Canada you have the Provincial Fairies. But because of budget cuts, they are in Passive Management now. But – as you may know, with the rise of social media, most of our work in the Fairy field is now in Troll Management.
SAM: Troll Management? You mean fisheries?
DR. SMITH: Very funny. So I think I may be able to call – Donald Trump. But I think we can get you back so you’re comfortable again – get people to stop talking to each other, to stop listening, to forget about all this healthy stuff, arts, culture. Back to stink! Back to greed! To polarized discourse!
SAM: Fantastic! But just for a while, right?
(sound of phone being dialed)
DR. SMITH: Seriously? I’ve already got him on the phone: Donald? Hey, yeah! Smith here! I’ve got a great deal for you! – You’re on your way?
SAM: No – no – wait! Wait! Stop!!! (fades out)
(sound effect – a pop, or harp arpeggio, something like that)
SAM: (wakes up) What a crazy dream!
WIFE/HUSBAND: Oh good honey you’re awake. There’s just time to have a little kale before we go to the community composting and arts festival planning meeting!
SAM: Yeeeeeees!!
Sitka Art Blog 
Leave a Reply